06ǝlıɯs

you're in the back of mind, sneaking up and stealing whispers right out of my mouth. you're pushing on my vocal chords and tugging out tiny little whispered screams that I can't seem to hide anymore. i can't remember the last time you smiled at me, i'm blinding stumbling around, wearing heels that never seem to fit. i'm tumbling into a mess of tears and tangled up hopes, but you're not there to catch me anymore. i'm dissecting your words, and at every vowel i stop and stare. because i realize they mean nothing, they never meant anything more then i let them. i let you slip away. and now, i'm left with nothing but a puddle of tears.

//sad part


i think, sometimes all of us learn to grow up and we wipe away the tears, then we continue moving forward. i think i'm stuck here, all the time. and whenever i think about it, my ribs rack with screams, but no matter what i do, i can't stop. i'm pounding on the door to tell her why i can't seem to make sense of who i am anymore but when the time comes, i choke up. i can't ruin her day as he had ruined mine. i'll always be asking what went wrong, because i keep thinking it's because of who i am. i always want to push people away, i'm always going to be scared.
oh and i never talk about how i feel anymore. it's too depressing. i mean M got great news. Trinnie broke up with her boyfriend (that i knew nothing about) oh and everyone else has so much going on. I think it'll be over tomorrow. don't want to spend it crying my eyes out.

sad part
i see him every day in the hallways. and now i hear he's got her. I'm going to ask this for once and for all. Please don't like me anymore. Because I'm still falling apart for him, I'm screaming for him to see me, to smile at me. And it hurts so much, I don't want to break anyone apart like he broke me apart. I'm not worth it. So, live love laugh, but stop liking me.

{ day 3 - your parents]

mommy + daddy

i've always wondered when the moment i was created, was there fragments of stardust and pieces of fractured dreams? because i seem to be made from the smallest chance of broken dreams sprawled onto a bed of lost hope. because here i am, typing away at midnight to satisfy my desire to speak what my broken heart wants me to tell both of you. i've long lost the art of thinking before speaking, because now i lay on the cement after the fresh rain because that's when i can clearly smell how beautiful life is. i wish you explained to me what life meant, what i mean to you. i seem to be always tripped over my feet to get to the next station of happiness, but i never seem to have ever found it. everyone shrinks away from me, mommy why am i the rose with the thorns that can't be cut off? daddy why would you look at me and tell me i'm disappointing you when i can't help but push everyone away from me? i think i'm naturally born that flower that isn't beautiful, i'm just another weed.
i'm growing from the cracks in the sidewalk just to be tsked at by the people walking by. they never will understand why a weed needs to survive. they will never understand the way i feel the waves wash over me when the sunsets and how when the sun rises i can feel every wave on my skin.
i'll be that broken violin, with its screeching sounds of pain and perfectly imperfect. what i was born to be. mommy. daddy. would you still love me if i was broken?

j.

tomorrow it'll be day four. a preview? day 4 is to a sibling or a close relative. i'm guessing this is going out to L.

aside from what I've written. today was interesting. T. I'm asking you not to fall for me. I'm a hot mess and I'm already falling for him. It'd only hurt you. See when mantou thinks something is happening I do too. She's so realistic. And now she thinks maybe. I'm dead stunned.

k.
goodluck on tmr's midterms everyone <3

{day two - your crush}

城。

i'd like you to know, that your eyes are deep sea trenches with so much hidden potential to become something amazing. i don't know what's in there, nor will i ever unless i give you a chance to see into me. but i have to tell you, i'm not beautiful. i'm filled with thorns that will always hurt me and everyone around me. you're not perfect, i know you're not, but sometimes i'd like to think you are.
i love the way your hair falls into your eyes and the hint of annoyance i get from your reactions. when you ignore me at the playground the more i want to play tag with you but it seems like i'll always be the one chasing and you the one running. one day i wish you could stop running and chase after me, or maybe we'll stop playing tag and just give up on the game altogether. for now, i'm still chasing. and you're still running.

J